


Fearful

by Clxarke



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Few Spoilers, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, pynch - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 18:20:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5015218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clxarke/pseuds/Clxarke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam wakes up and is forced to face his fears<br/>Its only fair that Ronan does the same.<br/>An exploration of Adam and Ronan dealing with their most prominent fears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fearful

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Pynch fanfic! I've just finished BLLB (Blue Lily, Lily Blue) and felt the need to celebrate! Enjoy!
> 
> Warnings: Adam (my poor son) has an anxiety attack, adult Language, memories surrounding past (childhood) abuse.

Adam woke up shivering. There was a draft leaking through the slight crack of his front door that seemed to nip at his bare skin. He blinked in the near darkness, the dim pink and gold sunlight seeping from behind his curtain was somehow too bright. It took him a moment to realize that it was neither the breeze nor the light that woke him, but the sound of someone outside of his apartment, their footsteps making the stairs creak.

It sounded just like the floorboards outside of his room when his father would walk by at night. He always begged the universe in a silent flurry that they wouldn’t stop in front of his door. The universe never cared.

Adam shot straight up, his heart racing, as the creaks grew louder, closer. He felt his breathing grow rapid as horror took over his limbs.

_It can’t be my father. There is no way it’s him. It can’t be. I’m safe. He can’t hurt me here._

He couldn’t move, he couldn’t think. His thoughts were a constant repetition of _no, no, no, no._ His vision blurred but he couldn’t feel his tears, too numb with fear to feel anything but the constant pounding of his heart.

Adam abruptly refused in his head. _I will not be scared anymore. I will not be scared of him._

He ignored the gooseflesh on his arms and dropped his feet to the cold, hardwood floor. He padded over to the door as softly as he could, fruitlessly reminding himself to stay calm.

He looked around and saw a left over beer bottle from the last time his friends came over. He picked it up and held it like a baseball bat, ready to defend; ready to kill. He took a few quick breaths, readying himself, before throwing open the door and stepping out, the bottle poised high above his head.

A startled yell came from the visitor, who toppled back a few steps, before landing on Adam’s makeshift doormat.

 

“What the _fuck_ , Parrish?” Ronan’s incredulous words fired at him like gunshots, one after another, quick and precise.

 

Adam couldn’t breathe.

 He lowered the bottle, his expression crumbling, and fell to his knees.

 “I’m not scared of him.” Adam insisted, shaking his head. “I’m _not_.”  He could feel the hot tears pushing out of his eyes, but it was distant. Everything was distant. His pain was the only solid thing left.

Ronan, frozen in his fallen position, stared at him wide eyed.

Adam held his head in his hands, gripping hard at his hair so he could feel the stinging of his scalp. “I’m not going to let him… He isn’t here anymore. I’m not… I’m not scared… I can’t…” Adam babbled, more to himself then Ronan. He had never allowed himself to think about it, but now he was facing all of his emotions at once.

His father, the demon in his nightmares, was gone, but the memory was not. The bruises and scars he’d left behind were permanent.

Adam felt warm hands on his shoulders, their grip tight but intension gentle. He heard his name spoken once, twice, then felt the air around him stir as he was lifted from the ground. He felt the floor touch his feet again, his left arm wrapped around something solid that was dragging him back into his apartment.

When he opened his eyes again, his wall clock glared the numbers 5:30 a.m. He realized quickly that he wasn’t in his bed, but rather on his couch, his head resting uncomfortably on someone’s shoulder. He could feel the pulse by their ear quicken.

“Oh, good; you’re finally awake.” Came Ronan’s voice as more of a vibration then a sound. Adam could feel the low, accented baritone thrum through Ronan’s chest.

Adam pulled away quickly; drawing back like Ronan’s flesh had scorched him. Ronan looked at him as if he’d been expecting that reaction, which only made Adam feel guilty.

“Ronan.” Adam started, apologetically. “I’m sorry …” He then recalled the events of their previous encounter and felt a sudden weight of shame on his chest. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

Instead of making fun of him or cracking a joke about Daddy issues that Adam wouldn’t have been able to handle, Ronan shook his head. “I should have called.”

That was the closest Ronan had ever come to an apology.

Adam accepted it, flexing his neck, popping a bone into place. “Why did you come anyway?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Ronan dismissed, jabbing a finger in Adam’s direction. “What I wanna know is why you threatened me with a fucking beer bottle before collapsing and going _nuts_.”

Adam swallowed, avoiding Ronan’s eyes as best he could, but it was hard to ignore the hood of a king cobra when you knew it could strike you down.

“I didn’t know that you… I thought you were…”

“Your dad.” Ronan finished bluntly, nodding as if this made perfect sense. Adam grimaced, not knowing if he should take this in offence or gratitude. “Listen, Parrish.” Ronan’s tone was feral, but Adam could tell it wasn’t intentional. “Your piece of shit dad can’t hurt you anymore. If he ever gives you trouble I’ll deal with him myself. Got it?”

Adam nodded; surprisingly relieved to hear it so frankly. When Ronan said it, he it made it real— just like his dreams.

“Thank you for… You know.”

“Whatever.” Ronan replied airily. “I should go anyway.”

 “Wait.” Adam blurted quickly before the thought had time to fester. “Can you stay?”

Ronan’s expression was impassible. “What?”

“It just… After what happened I don’t really want to be alone.” At Ronan’s unfaltering expression of disbelief, he added. “You don’t have to.”

Ronan stared at him, baffled and uncertain, as if he was waiting for people with hidden cameras would jump out and surprise him. “Are you sure you don’t want to call Blue?” His voice was strained.

“Do you want me to?” Adam’s question was a test.

“Do you really want me to stay?” Ronan’s question was his own test but not an answer to Adam’s.

“Yes.” Adam answered, and it was the truth. He needed this—the weighted questions and breezy replies, the bold and unforgiving honesty.

Then Adam recognized the emotion on Ronan’s face. It was fear—fear just as powerful as that which Adam had possessed, but much, much different.

 _Why would Ronan be scared of me_ —?

 

_Oh._

 

It was so clear—not at all simple, but completely lucid to Adam.

And Ronan knew it; he saw it in Adam’s eyes.

The Greywarren stood up and wordlessly made his way to the door. It took the few moments when the door stuck to the doorframe for Adam to cross the floor and turn Ronan to face him. Ronan was astoundingly compliant to Adam’s force.

“Look at me.” Adam demanded. Ronan was significantly taller, but seemed fragile in that moment, his back to the door.

“Don’t.” Ronan said, taking a painstaking breath and closing his eyes like he couldn’t handle the sight before him. 

“Ronan.” Adam moved the slightest bit forward. When Ronan didn’t budge, Adam continued. “I know why you do all these things for me.”

“ _Parrish_.” Ronan warned, but it was more of a plea.

Adam had faced his fear; now it was Ronan’s turn. 

“Tell me why you came.” Adam demanded softly.

Ronan opened his eyes and Adam was met with the sheer force of his normally so cleverly concealed emotions. It was alarming how much was present. Adam hadn’t ever taken the time to study the tell tale lines in his face and the weight of his mind evident in his eyes. He’d never thought Ronan would be the one to show any emotions of the sort, so he never bothered to look.

Ronan spoke through his teeth, like the words were physically painful to release. “I had a nightmare. You were in it. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Adam considered him for a moment before leaning forward the slightest bit. Ronan, who was barely breathing, moved backwards as far as he could. His back hit the door.

“I am okay,” Adam said carefully, “because you’re here.”

Ronan stared at him with palpable doubt. His voice barely rose above a whisper. “Don’t fuck with me, Parrish.”

“I’m not.” Adam promised. Ronan Lynch, the King of Truths, could tell this was genuine.

Ronan breathed. “What… What do you expect me to—?” Ronan sounded angry, but it was honest. Ronan hadn’t the faintest clue of what to do. This was new territory; land he hadn’t charted yet.

“Nothing.” Adam said, lifting his hand tentatively. The taller boy wasn’t breathing any longer, paralyzed with his eyes glued to Adam’s hand. Adam hesitated before cupping Ronan’s cheek, fingers lightly lingering against his jaw. Ronan closed his eyes and breathed out his nose.

“You don’t have to do this.” Ronan croaked. Adam appreciated the way out Ronan had just offered him, but he didn’t take it. He couldn’t, not with Ronan so close, so fragile in his hand. 

“I know.” Adam said. 

 

Then he leaned in.

 

Ronan’s breath hitched. Adam could tell he nearly believed he was dreaming, which made Adam smile softly to himself. It was barely a kiss, more like the faint brush of lips, but it stole the air from Adam’s lungs. Ronan stayed completely still like he was made of stone, but Adam could feel his pulse, wild and alive like the motor of Kavinsky’s engine.

When Adam drew back, he was somewhat pleased to see that Ronan’s eyes were still closed, still processing the kiss. His eyes finally fluttered open and he stared at Adam like he was a living, breathing miracle.

“I’m not afraid either.” Ronan whispered before closing the space between them once more. Adam understood. There was nothing left to fear.


End file.
